Before I became a parent, I would chuckle at those Hollywood scenes of delightful kids who somehow get themselves into mischievous mayhem. For some reason, I thought scenes of hopeless but adorable messes like spilling flour all over the kitchen or spaghetti sauce all over the baby’s hair was purely for audience amusement.

Surely no kid would actually do that, right?

Think you’re the only person who ends up with most of your food on your shirt? Think again! During my 12 years in research and development for Clorox and past few years as resident laundry and stain expert “Dr. Laundry,” I’ve seen thousands of questions about treating mustard stains, removing gum from fabric, intentionally removing color from clothing and perhaps the most common – treating underarm yellowing! Not only have I learned how to treat these stains in my professional life, but I’ve had plenty of personal experience with them as a mother.

When I see those sweet movies of adorable kids in footie pajamas happily getting ready for bed and then nestled in their mom’s arms as they read a bedtime story together, I’m in awe.

And envious.

Because in my household, while we do have those wonderful moments of cuddling over a book, they are often preceded by a seemingly requisite struggle over teeth brushing, pajama wearing or a general need to convince Max that blowing bubbles or hiding my mail under the refrigerator does not qualify as appropriate pre-bedtime activity. You see, Max is a preschooler.

I used to think that our household couldn’t run without me.   It’s not ego.  OK, it’s ego.  And maybe some control issues.  But I mean who else knows best when it’s show and tell day, when it’s our turn to carpool to soccer or when it’s Crazy Hat day?

But I recently had some minor surgery, which left me stuck in bed for a couple weeks.  In this time when I was forced to let go of the housework, I had an ego-bruising, but happy epiphany: the Household can run without me. 

Kids are the best, aren’t they? So many advantages…

• 1. You can eat off their plate without asking. (Funny how the calories from their French fries don’t count.)
• 2. They can sleep through anything. Seriously, invite AC/DC over to your living room to play and the little rugrat won’t hear a peep.
• 3. You can pass gas and blame it on them. (Come on, like you haven’t?!?)

We are a dog-loving family.  So much so, that we have five rescues!  (But they’re small – four Chihuahuas and a terrier mix, so together that makes one big dog.)  And how did one rescue become five?  Well, let’s chalk that up to my partner, Lori, and I just being big softies at heart.  Because most of our pack came from desperate e-mails from friends or rescue groups that read, “HELP!  This little guy’s only got one more day at the shelter and then it’s curtains!”  Enter us and our usual pattern.  Most times we’ve said, “Okay, we’ll foster them until they find a permanent home.”  But then of course, we fall in love and they become a permanent addition to our brood! 

If you’re a parent of a young child, you’re probably no stranger to waking up in the middle of the night to your child calling for “Mommy!” from his bedroom. If you’re lucky, it’s simply a bad dream, a stuffy nose or some other legitimate reason that has disturbed your sleep. If you have a preschooler like mine, however, you have a child born without the ability to discern between critical and non-critical reasons to wake you up at 5 a.m. For me, justifiable reasons to rouse a sleep-deprived mother from slumber include a preschooler’s bodily functions or, perhaps, flames.

Greetings, fresh back from spring break! You know that time of year - when your kid is bouncing off the walls from being at school so much that it’s only fair that he bounce around some walls around you again. And the thing that’s annoying about it is the timing every year - it’s always the same week that everybody else and their kids go on vacation. If you are on a “staycation,” you might notice your hometown just got a little more crowded and if you are able to travel to a hotel, you might notice the cleanliness is not quite up to snuff.

Welcome to my first blog post!  You may be asking, why would a comedian/comedy writer such as myself team up with the fine folks at The Clorox Company?  For one very simple reason – messes are funny.  Yep, you heard me!  Maybe not right when they happen but, as I’ve seen with practically everything else in life, you just gotta laugh. And being a mom to a six-year old boy and five rescue dogs, on a daily basis I sure do see my share of messes!

So I walk into Max’s bedroom the other day to see what look like a series of little bugs on the wall beside his bed. Freaking out, I leap over him to inspect the critters, when my son suddenly says nonchalantly, “Oh, those are my boogers, Mommy!” and continues to shoot lasers out of his stuffed dog’s head.