I can’t believe that Elle, my daughter, starts Kindergarten next week. Most things are ready: school supplies are bought, clothes are washed, new lunchbox meticulously selected and the morning logistics of the household are planned (though execution remains to be seen). Overall, Elle is ready to start her new adventure.

The only thing that isn’t ready? Me.

I used to wonder when I heard other Moms confess that they dropped their kid off on the first day of Kindergarten and then sat in the school parking lot crying. I just didn’t get it. Their kid was off at school, why were those Moms so worried and sad?

Now I get it: First day of Kindergarten = Last day of “Baby.”

At the same time as I stare at the calendar in disbelief, Elle is excitedly announcing to anyone within a 15 foot radius that she is off to Kindergarten. She proudly tells everyone about what (she thinks) she is going to do there, how she will have new teachers and friends. I smile at how brave she is to embrace this new experience. Whether she is a true extrovert or simply has no idea what she is in for, she is so certain that Kindergarten can only be a “good” thing.

I, on the other hand, am mourning the last day that Elle will be my ‘baby.’ I am mourning the end of my ability to protect her from “what’s out there in the world,” whatever that may be. Back in April, I wrote about the Japanese earthquake and how I wrestled with whether to discuss the tragedy with Elle or not. I concluded that I would not because while she was young enough for me to protect her from the sadness and bad news in the world, I wanted to.

But now it will be harder for me to play that role of Protector. I won’t be able to know everything that happens around her. And for me, that’s a habit of 5 years that’s not going to be easy to break.

While I am hopeful that this next step will be filled with only positive experiences, I know that it won’t be. There will be days when a friend says something hurtful and shakes her confidence in herself. There will be days when she feels small and unimportant. There will be days when her heart will break with sadness over something that seems trivial to me, but means the world to her.

I only hope that when these days come, that I have the wisdom to recognize their significance. I hope that I will remember to put aside my own stresses of the day and make sure she feels supported and loved. I also hope I have the strength to allow those menacing emotions of ‘hurt’ and ‘pain’ to (gently) envelop her when I see that those experiences can actually help her mature.

The tricky part of parenthood is knowing when to “parent” and when to “back the heck off.” Elle’s first day of Kindergarten is going to be my first day of “letting go” and trying to figure out how this whole “backing off” thing works.

Elle is excited and sees all the positives about this new next step. I must learn from her. She’s not a baby anymore… so maybe I should stop being one too.

How are you feeling about the first day of school?