Every office has one: the office germaphobe. You know, that weird person who uses paper towels to open restroom doors, disinfects their desk regularly and hogs the communal hand sanitizer like they’ve just discovered a bowl of free cookies sitting in the office kitchen. 

In my office, I am that person.

This isn’t a position I relish. I sort of blame it on knowing WAY TOO MUCH about germs from working at The Clorox Company. (Did you know that bacteria and viruses can survive on a bathroom doorknob for more than a day?) Nevertheless, I am also unapologetic about my freakish behavior because minimizing germs and disinfecting my workspace means that I’m killing germs that can get my office mates, my family and me sick.

So as a public service to office germaphobes everywhere, I am going to tell you what every closeted office germaphobe wishes they could say to your face but may be too afraid to ask:

1)    Please cover your cough/sneeze with your elbow, not your hand!

Sure, it looks more discreet or perhaps even more professional to cough into your hand rather than shove your face into the elbow of your newly-pressed shirt, but especially in an office environment where hand-shaking and file-folder sharing is common, no one wants to touch something that just covered your sneeze. So, please sneeze or cough into your sleeve or a tissue so germs don't transfer to the photocopier, the elevator button or whatever you touch next. And what’s up with those folks who cough into their fist? I have seen some people cough into a fist like it’s somehow more subtle. We germaphobes ask them: how is your fist going to contain your cough? The last time I saw someone attempt to catch something with a closed fist was my 18 month who hadn’t yet learned the concept of baseball. For the sake of minimizing germ-sharing in the office, please cough into your elbow or sleeve!

2)    Wash your hands after you commute to the office

This is particularly true for those of us who get to work via public transportation. I’m not going to scare you with statistics about germs on buses and subway trains but needless to say, when you have thousands of people gripping bus poles and subway handles each day, there are bound to be germs that can get you sick. So when you get into the office, make it a habit to wash your hands or use hand sanitizer right before you pour your morning coffee. Oh and this goes without saying…for those of you who don’t wash your hands after going to the restroom? Well, let’s just say we germaphobes know who you are…

3)    Don’t forget that lunch you left in the fridge

We’ve all done it: bring a lunch to work and forget about it, or otherwise get too busy to eat. Somehow office fridges turn out to be where yesterday’s leftovers and forgotten casseroles go to die. Don’t be guilty of leaving your GladWare®containers of last night’s dinner to sprout legs and become the stimuli for some high school science project. Remember to purge your fridge items each day, or else offer to chip in for the office gas mask to take care of the mess.

4)    Don’t be an office martyr when you’re sick

There’s a perception in some workplaces that if you work in sickness and in health, that you will seem like a more loyal employee. We’ve all heard stories of so-called “heroic team-players” who came into work just before one of their appendages fell off or who sent emails from their wireless mobile devise from the labor and delivery room. Well, birthing aside, we germaphobes want to tell you that if you have cold and flu symptoms, stay home! We understand that it’s hard to let work pile up and phone calls go unreturned but unless you are willing to shut yourself in your office, avoid contact with other humans and just hammer out emails all day (which you can do from home, by the way), then please consider staying home. A day of rest will do you good and will keep the office germaphobes from treating you like a leper for the next few days.

 So there you have it. These are all the things the office germaphobe wishes they could say to you but don't...possibly because we just saw you cough into your hand.